Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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