I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
