Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
