don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize