just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
