Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
