im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
