Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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