apparently the secret to your success is patron
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
