i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
