she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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