Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize