I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
