I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize