i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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