woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
