I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
