You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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