4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
