i just sent this text using only my big toe
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How does one acquire holy water?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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