the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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