Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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