You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
