Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
