She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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