If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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