worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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