turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize