Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
