you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
