dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
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