It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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