if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
