I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
