If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
