i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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