Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm at about main and main street
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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