Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He did a backflip because drugs
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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