I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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