he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
