Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
