Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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