I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
