Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
