I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
