So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
