I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
