oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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