she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
