I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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