A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
try to milk me bitch
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
