The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
