I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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