3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
