Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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