duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
