When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
