I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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