I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
